Lately it’s just been more and more again. Thoughts drift off, to the past, recent events, not so recent events, most of all things that can’t be forgotten. Good ones, and bad ones, blending in like a soup, in the end, my mind is just a mess.
That, along with the weather, and the fact that I’m sleeping on a couch, makes it really hard to close my eyes, and even if I do, I wake up with vivid dreams of missing that person.
It just pierces my heart we can’t be together, and it feels like I’m left here. Even though I’ve got everything else going for me, nothing else really matters.
Scars of the bad are actually deeper than I thought, my whole reality now could just have been a lot different…stupid me, stupid stupid me.
For being a fool and end up being here, having fought for the wrong person, all along. I need to, need to look forward, but I’m not sure I can do this on my own, even though I have to.
It’s weird, forcing yourself again to stop feeling for a person. For different reasons this time, but definetly not less painful. It feels unnatural, but more and more I understand it has to be done, in order to turn your head to the future, instead of what happened.
Who knows, our lives haven’t ended yet, and the future brings us what’s mean for us, and usually it fixes itself.
I suppose I need to chew really hard on the present to get through it and hope the future’s stil somewhat edible after the aftertaste of the past that’s covering up my whole tongue.
Just want to make something new again. I’ve been dying to put what’s on my mind somewhere, anywhere. Most people know what I’m going through, but still feels nice to put it on text.
I guess, right now, I need to focus on myself, after all that happened, it left some serious scars and sadness in my heart and soul and it’s really hard to get out of the thought, but I’m healing just fine.
Things I decided, really haunt me now more than anything, knowing what I know, it all could’ve been different, really different than the situation I am in right now, maybe even without sadness and pain. Had I chosen the path to her instead, back then. But hey, these are things I can’t do anything about anymore. So it would be good not to dwell on it.
There’s that one person, comes in your life and just like that she could walk out again. I’m just left with the thought of missing her. More than anything, after all, she was the one putting a smile on my face again, letting me know what happiness really means. She pulled me back up, from way way deep, when I thought that wasn’t possible.
For me it was real, the time we shared, it was the best ever. Countless times we laughed, feeling comfortable with each others presence. Moments on Skype until 2 am. I was at ease, even though all I knew in that situation, I would feel pressure, she made me feel I really don’t have to.
She became the template for what I, now, always look for in people and what I will love about people. She is exactly what I look for in love, I felt, very briefly, what real love is. And because of that I can’t do anything but thank her.
I love her. And i really want to tell her, but I cant, there’s a lot more I want to say to her, but I don’t know how. My days without her are gray and I thought I’d get over her eventually, but nothing is helping. Literally nothing. I guess I need to be patient for what the future has to bring, and hopefully without losing hope.
I keep wondering how she’s doing, hoping she is doing great, because I know she deserves it. If i knew she’s happy, even without me, I think, it would make me feel a lot better. Wondering if she’s still the same, silly girl with that disarming laugh of hers that makes me melt. Yeah, writing this only makes me realize how special she really is to me, or in general.
All I know is that I’m not ready to put her in my past, even if she did that to me already. It might not be now that I can do anything about it, but I’ll work on myself on becoming a better person and I’ll stay true to my feelings, which is what I’ve always done in my life. It’s hard to accept she is gone, so, I won’t, I’ll keep her in my heart, very close.
At least I have a good base now, have stable job, income and a place to stay, where no one can throw me out, treat me like a dog (or worse) or sell me bullshit and force me to believe it. I don’t have to worry about anyone judging me, in general, in what I’m doing, what I am, what I stand for and what I am all about. No one doubting me, in what I’ve done, in what I believe in, and the energy I put in things. No one that puts me on the ground and then steps on me and tell me they meant well. Just no one that takes me for granted.
Things happen for a reason and I’ll try to make the best out of it, even though I know it could be a million times better if she’d be back in my life. :)